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Uh huh huh huh...
This is cool.
Uh huh huh...
Ow. Cut it out, butt-Hole.
Whoa! Aah!
Uh huh huh huh...
Uh, hey, baby. Huh huh.
I'm, like, pretty tall. Uh huh huh...
Damn it, cut it out. I'm trying to score.
Look at you, you bungholes.
Heh heh...
Hey, baby, how's it goin'?
Hey, hey!
No way, beavis. I saw her first.
Damn it. I'm gonna kick your ass.
Get outta here.
Uh uh uh...
Butt-Head, hey, butt-Head.
Oh, no.
Butt-Head, butt-Head, wake up!
Butt-Head...
Uh...uh... damn it, beavis,
I was about to score.
Yeah, but check it out.
It's gone.
Uh...what?
The tv! Mm mm mm...
Uh...
Oh, yeah.
Huh huh huh...
Well, where is it?
I don't know.
I just woke up, and it was gone.
And look, the window's broken, too.
We'll get 100 bucks for this baby.
Oops.
Ha ha ha ha...
No...
Hmm. Uh huh huh huh...
Uhh...
Uh huh huh huh...
Uhh...
Uh huh huh...
Uhh...
Whoa. I think i just figured something out, beavis.
W-W-What?
H-H-Heh...
This sucks. Huh huh huh...
Yeah. Heh. Yeah, it really sucks.
Heh heh heh...
This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before.
We must find this butt-Hole that took our tv.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!
Isaac hayes: * a couple of mean guys
* with fire in their eyes
* known by the names of
* beavis and butt-Head *
* yeah
* they'll chew you up and spit you out *
* beyond a doubt
* it pays not to mess with *
* beavis and butt-Head *
* you got it
* if you cross beavis and butt-Head *
* they will throw down and blow your ass away *
* y'know what i'm sayin'?
* beavis and butt-Head *
Uh huh huh huh...
* ahh, yes
Uh...
It's not in here.
What are we gonna do, butt-Head?
What if we never find it?
Settle down, beavis.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are we going?
I don't want to go to school.
We gotta find our tv.
Shut up, beavis.
I got an idea.
Uh huh huh huh...
Let's just wheel this thing back to the house.
Huh huh...yeah.
Uh, hey, excuse me, boys.
What's going on here?
Uh, someone stole our tv.
Yeah. We're just gonna use this one.
Get outta the way.
I'm afraid that tv belongs to the school, ok?
You know, this could be a really positive experience for you guys.
There's a wonderful and exciting world out there
When we discover that we don't need tv to entertain us.
He said anus. Uh huh huh huh...
Entertain us...anus. Oh, yeah.
Have you guys heard a word i've said?
Uh, yeah.
Anus.
Yeah, yeah. Heh heh...
Yeah, i heard it, too.
Look, guys, just take the tv
Back to the a/v room right now.
And try to be a little more open to life experiences,
Ok?
What a dork.
Get it over here...
Ow.
That was cool.
No, it wasn't.
Uh...oh, yeah.
Uh, what's going on out here?
Oh, no!
Uh, that belongs to the school.
Yeah. It's supposed to be in the a/v room.
Uh, get back here!
Beavis and butt-Head,
You're both expelled!
Uhh...
Cool.
Whoa, check it out, beavis.
I didn't know anderson had a camper.
Yeah. Maybe it has a tv.
Oh, hello.
Are you boys here to look at the refrigerator?
Uh, no.
Heh heh. We're here to look at the tv.
Oh, tom didn't tell me it was broken.
Go on in.
Cool.
Yeah.
Well, that ought to hold her.
You know, the most important thing
You can have on a camper
Is a good butane regulator,
And this here's the best one they make.
I sure hope we can get that fridge fixed.
Now, marcy, we've been planning
And saving up for this trip our whole lives,
and we're gonna go come hell or high water.
What in the hell is that?
* dah...dah...da-Da-Dah
Ah, must be them damn buzzard hawks.
Let's get something to drink.
Ahh.
Aah!
This crap is warm.
Beavis, you butt-Hole, you broke it.
Aah, no, no, damn it!
Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?
They're here to fix the tv.
What? The tv ain't broken.
Uh...
Yeah, it is.
Yeah. Heh... heh heh...
Hey, wait a minute.
You two look kind of familiar.
Ain't you them kids
That have been whackin' off in my toolshed?
Uh huh huh... heh heh heh...
Uh h-H-Hnn hnn...
We still don't have a tv, butt-Head.
I know, beavis.
And damn it, i can't sleep without a tv.
You dumb-Ass.
H-Help. Help me.
No...no...
What's your problem, beavis?
Uhh...i need tv.
I need tv now.
Damn it.
Whoa.
Tv.
Yeah, yeah. Tv. Heh heh.
Tv. Yeah.
Unh...unh...damn it.
Uh...no.
Damn it.
You sure these guys can pull this off, earl?
It's gotta look like an accident.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Ohh...
Uh huh huh...
Ohh...
Beavis and butt-Head, y-You little bastards!
Can we watch your tv?
No! Y-You're expelled.
Now, get outta here!
Wait a minute. Damn it.
I need a tv now.
We're missing everything.
Yeah, hold on a minute. That must be them now.
Yeah, i'll call you back.
Come in!
Ahh...
Tv. Yeah.
You're late.
Really? Did we miss baywatch?
Ehhh...
Man, earl said you guys were young,
But jeez...
Ah, well. As long as you can get the job done.
What are your names?
Uh, butt-Head. Huh huh...
Oh, i mean, beavis. Heh heh heh...
Oh, that's all right.
I'd rather not know your real names anyway.
Mine's muddy.
Now, look, i'm gonna get right to the point.
I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses,
All payable after you do her.
Uh...do her?
That's right...Do her.
I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife.
We got a deal?
Um, actually, we just want to watch tv.
Shut up, beavis.
Uh...yeah, we'll do your wife.
N-No! I wanna watch tv.
Aah!
Damn it, beavis, you butt-Munch.
This guy wants us to score with his wife,
And he's gonna pay us.
We can buy a new tv.
Heh heh. Really? Heh heh. Cool.
Uh...huh huh... we'll do it, sir.
Well, all right, then.
Let's get down to business.
Here she is, boys.
Her name's dallas.
She ain't as sweet as she looks.
She stole everything from me.
Ya gotta watch out,
'Cause she'll do you twice as fast as you do her.
Whoa. Huh huh...
Cool.
Heh heh. Yeah.
She's holed up in her room in las vegas.
I got you a room right next to hers.
Your flight leaves in an hour. Come on.
I'll drive you to the airport.
Holed up.
Huh huh huh...
Hole.
Can we watch some tv first?
No.
Now, you listen to me, and this is real important.
My wife's got this leather satchel.
It's a black bag about this big.
I need you to bring it back, boys.
Sentimental value, you know what i mean?
Any questions so far?
Uh, does she have big hooters?
Heh heh. Yeah, she sure does. Ha ha...
Huh huh... this is gonna be cool.
Y-Y-Yeah.
Boi-Oi-Oi-Oing.
Heh heh heh...
Hey, you guys are funny.
Let's have a drink on it, eh?
Now, don't let me down.
We're gonna get paid to score.
Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-Screen tv...
With 2 remotes.
Beavis,
This is the greatest day of our lives.
Yeah.
Here you are.
Hey, beavis, she touched my butt.
Hello there.
Are you two headin' for las vegas?
Yeah. We're gonna score.
Oh. Well, i hope to score big there myself.
I'm mostly gonna be doin' the slots.
Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too.
Do they have a lot of sluts in las vegas?
There are so many slots,
You won't know where to begin.
Whoa. Hey, butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool.
She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in las vegas.
Cool. Huh huh...
It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-Mannered.
Yeah. Heh heh.
I'm gonna have money and a big-Screen tv,
And there's gonna be sluts everywhere.
It's gonna rule.
Oh, that's nice.
Captain: turn your attention to the front of the cabin
For pre-Flight safety instructions.
Woman: to fasten your seat belt
Insert the free end into the coupling...
Insert. Huh huh huh...
Uhh...
Hmm.
Damn it.
Uh...
Hi. Can i help you with that?
There you go, all set.
I love you. Huh huh...
Hey, hey, cut it out.
I want her to do it.
Huh huh... come to butt-Head.
Captain: flight attendants, please prepare for takeoff.
Nn, damn it.
Hey, wait a minute. Hey, what's going on?
Aah! We're gonna die!
Aah! We're all gonna die!
Come to butt-Heaaaah...
Uh, could you, like, do that thing with my belt again?
Yeah. This is her.
Oh, she looks lovely.
I'm probably going to make out with her first before we, uh...
You know, heh heh, get down.
I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son.
I have this ringin' in my ears.
My doctor says it could be related
To my heart palpitations.
Heh. Really?
I poop too much.
Ohh.
Maybe you're lactose-Intolerant.
No, no. I poop too much!
And then i get tired.
Tired? Oh, well, i know all about tired, dear.
I have just the thing for ya.
Here, take a couple of these.
They perk me right up.
Thanks.
Tastes like crap.
What else ya got?
Oh, go right ahead. Help yourself.
So, uh, huh huh...
Goin' to las vegas?
Yi-Ai-Ai-Ai-Ai-Ai...
Hi. We're serving dinner now.
Our selections tonight are chicken piccata
Or seafood gumbo.
Beavis: piccata. Titicaca...
Does the gumbo have corn in it?
I am cornholio.
I need piccata for my bung-Hole.
You'll have to wait your turn, sir.
Are you threatening me?
My bung-Hole will not wait.
Heh heh. Bungholio.
Uh, hey, i got a beer.
Want some? Huh huh...
I am cornholio!
Aah! Aah!
Aah...
Get the hell outta the cockpit!
Huh huh. You said...
Now!
Welcome to las vegas.
Uhh...
This is las vegas?
Yeah. I thought there'd be, like,
Casinos and lights and stuff.
This isn't very good.
Hey, butt-Head, why is that guy holding a sign?
Uhh...
Maybe he's blind.
Huh huh. Check this out.
Uh, heh heh, heh heh, uh...
Excuse me. Heh heh.
Uh, you guys wouldn't know
Where i could find these guys, would ya?
Oh.
Uh, be-A...
Be-Ave?
Um, buh...boo...
Boot? Someone named boot?
This says beavis.
And boot-Head.
Uhh...that's butt-Head.
Don't you get it, beavis?
These dudes have the same name as us.
Whoa, really?
We should party.
This way, sirs.
Where are those guys?
Where the hell is he?
You sure this is the right place?
You muddy?
What are you, the cops?
Uh, no. Earl sent us,
You know, to take care of your wife.
What? Take care...
What the hell are you talkin' about?
Who were those other two clowns?
Huh?
Aghh...god damn it!
She did it to me again!
I'm gonna go to vegas,
And i'm gonna kill all three of them!
Hey, i noticed your tv was broken.
You want to buy a new one?
Just leave it. Worthless piece of crap.
Yeah, really, man.
We gotta start stealin' from rich people.
* you give me that funny feeling *
* in my stomach
* ahh...shake it, yeah! That's right! *
* roller coaster
* of love
* roller coaster
* hoo-Ooh, ooh, ooh
* roller coaster
* of love
* roller coaster
* hoo-Ooh, ooh, ooh
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride
* roller coaster
* of love
* roller coaster
* oh, yeah
* goin' round that curve *
* roller coaster
* of love
* roller coaster
* gonna get down, my roll-Roller coaster *
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride
* your love is like
* a roller coaster, baby, baby *
* i wanna ride...
I'm sorry about
That little misunderstanding, gentlemen.
We didn't realize you were registered guests.
If there's anything we can do to...
Mm! Damn it!
This thing is stuck.
Uh, sir, it's attached to the...
You dumb-Ass. Let me try.
Uh...huh huh.
Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.
Ahem.
Uh...could you, like, not stand there and stuff?
Some people are dumb.
Yeah, really.
Uh...check it out, beavis.
I wonder where this goes.
Uh...huh huh.
Whoa. I think i hear a chick.
Really? Cool! Neat!
Ow!
All right, who are you?
Cia, fbi, atf?
Hey, butt-Head, it's her!
Whoa! Yeah!
Uh...huh huh huh, hey, baby...
Are we, like, gonna do it?
You got 2 seconds.
Uh...huh huh...
Is that gonna be enough time?
Who sent you?
Uh, this drunk dude.
He said he was gonna pay us to do you.
Yeah, yeah.
Muddy... son of a bitch.
Hold it. What's he paying you?
Uh...10, uh...
10 grand? Oh, that cheap ass.
All right. I got a better deal for you.
I'll double it. I'll pay you 20
If you go back there and do him.
Uh, you want us to do a guy?
No way.
Um, i don't know, butt-Head.
That is a lot of money.
Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick...Aah!
Damn.
You two wait right there.
Uh...huh huh huh.
I'm ready for love.
Yeah! I don't believe this.
Hmm.
Yeah, las vegas.
Give me the number for dream america tours.
Right.
Uh, huh huh huh, uh, huh huh.
Yeah. You got a bus leaving today?
Where's it going?
Washington, d.C.
5 minutes? Perfect.
Give me 2 tickets.
Wait, butt-Head. You always go first.
Damn it, beavis, we've never done this before.
Aah!
Oh, uh... huh huh...
Wanna...you know... uh, huh huh...
Do it? Heh heh.
Hey, we're finally gonna score!
Do it?
Ow!
You guys wanna... score? Oh, ho ho.
Damn it!
Ow! Cut it out!
You wait here.
Bunghole!
Damn it! Ow! Aah!
Aah!
Uh...huh huh huh.
Aah!
Uh...huh huh huh.
No!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ahem!
Aah!
Don't wear yourselves out, boys.
Save some energy for me.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
This is it, beavis. We're finally gonna score.
Heh heh... thank god.
Oh, yeah. We're gonna do it, all right.
Uh, huh huh huh... heh heh heh...
Heh heh, oh, yeah! Uh, huh huh...
Ahem!
Boys...boys...
Boys!
First, you have to do a little job for me.
Would you like to do a little job for me?
Here's what it is.
I want you to take the bus to washington, d.C.
That's all.
Then when you get there, i'll be waiting.
You're gonna make a whole lot of money,
And i'm gonna give you everything.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Until then...
Keep your pants on.
Now, your bus is downstairs waiting, so get going.
Uh, huh huh huh...
Hm hm, heh heh...
Let's go!
On 3!
This is gonna be cool.
Can't wait. Heh heh.
Ow.
Get outta there, beavis. I want the window.
No, butt-Head!
Why don't ya take turns?
Hey, butt-Head, check it out.
It's that slut from the plane.
Oh, why, it's you two.
How'd you do in las vegas?
Um, we didn't score yet.
Oh, well, i'm sorry to hear that.
Me, i took a beating.
Cool.
So that's why i'm bussing it across america.
I'm so glad you're here.
Jim, jim! I want you to meet two nice boys.
Uh...oh...
This is travis and bob.
What's your last name, dear?
Uh, head.
My first name's butt. Uh, huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Agent flemming, atf.
So, are you gonna tell us where it is
Or will i have to have agent hurly over there
Give you another cavity search?
Mmm. Is that a promise?
Look, mrs. Scum, we know who you are.
Tell her, bork.
Dallas grimes, married to muddy grimes.
You run a mom-And-Pop arms smuggling ring.
Mmph. You got my bad side.
3 days ago, you pulled a job
At the army research facility in hadley, nevada,
Where you stole the x-5 unit.
We happen to know you had the unit with you
When you checked in here,
So why don't you be a good girl and tell us where it is?
You gonna charge me with anything?
I didn't think so.
You wanna let me go now,
Or wait till my lawyer files a wrongful arrest?
We got nothing, chief.
We tore the place apart.
We can only legally hold her another couple of hours.
Damn it! Cut her loose.
Where is that damn unit?
Uh, huh huh huh.
We're in washington.
Yeah, yeah. We're gonna score now.
Actually, son, we're at the hoover dam.
Um, no, no. We're in washington!
Yeah. We're gonna score now!
Tour guide: over 40,000 tons of concrete
Were used in the construction of the hoover dam.
From top to bottom, the dam is 51 stories.
It has a maximum capacity for generating
Wow. Really? 2.074 megawatts of electricity,
But on the average, it generates about 25% of that.
I'll be damned.
Can anybody tell me
How much energy it takes to power las vegas?
Um, yeah, i just have a question.
Is this a god dam? Hm hm, heh heh.
Huh huh huh.
You know, god damn. You know?
Guide: if you'll follow me this way.
This is dumb. Let's go find that chick.
Yeah. Enough of this crap.
Whoa. Check it out, butt-Head...Tv!
Cool.
I gotta hit the head.
Can you get me some coffee?
All right.
Talk to me, bork.
Chief, we found a witness
That says he saw 2 teenagers leaving dallas' room
Shortly before we arrived.
Did you give him a full cavity search?
Uh...the witness?
Yes. You can never be too careful, bork.
Sir, i didn't really think it was necessary.
You see, we have a picture of them
From the elevator security cam.
Here. Have a look.
What the hell?
They look like a couple of kids, chief.
Don't you realize what kids today are capable of?
Don't you read the papers?
What the...
Damn it!
All they have is these shows about water.
Yeah, really.
They need some shows about fire.
Uh, what are you doing, beavis?
Something's wrong with my butt.
Your butt sucks.
Hey, how come there's no sound?
Uh...i'll fix it.
Uh...
Yeah, yeah! There you go. Louder! Louder!
Uh, huh huh... hmm...huh huh...
Uh...
Mas-Ter-A...
Masturbation?
Uh, huh huh huh!
You know, i'll tell you what.
It doesn't get any better than this.
This here is god's country.
Unspoiled and...
Aaaaah!
Uh...
I think i found the remote.
What the hell's going on?
I swear, that's all i know.
They got on the tour bus.
It was probably heading west.
Uhh! Please...
I'm gonna kill 'em!
That was boring.
Yeah, yeah. Just the same thing, over and over again.
Uh, wait a minute.
We can't leave washington
Till we find that chick.
Oh, we're a long way from washington, bob.
This is the hoover dam.
Dam. I'll be damned.
Heh heh.
You boys better show up.
Do you see what i see, bork?
I see it. I just don't get it.
You got half the state looking for you.
How do you get away?
Cut the power!
Damn right.
Bork, we're dealing with real pros here.
My opinion: terrorists.
What's the scoop on that stolen unit?
Well, sir, it's not good.
Roll the tape.
The x-5 unit is a new top-Secret biological weapon...
A man-Made virus, the deadliest known to man.
It could wipe out 5 states in 5 days.
Here's what happened
When it was tested on a group of army recruits.
Look at these guys, chief.
This thing is a veritable doomsday device.
Jesus jumped-Up christ!
If this were to fall into the wrong hands...
It gets worse. The unit wasn't finished.
It has a flaw... The casing.
If hit hard enough, it could break open,
Releasing the virus.
Ok, people, as of right now,
These are the most dangerous men in america.
I want these faces in front of every fed and 2-Bit sheriff
Within a thousand miles.
The orders are dead or alive.
Let's just pray that nothing hits that unit.
Ow! Ow!
Cut it out, butt-Head!
Get outta the way, beavis.
I wanna sit by the window.
Ow!
Ok, people, next stop: grand canyon.
Uh, huh huh huh...
Hm hm, heh heh...
Uh, huh huh huh...
Hm hm, heh heh...
It's, like, it's coming out of his ass,
But then it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass.
It's like the poop's coming out of the ass of the ass.
Heh heh. Yeah!
* feel the pressure rise
* hear the whistle blow...
Uh, huh huh huh.
* bought a ticket of her own accord *
* to i dunno
* packed her heart in a travelin' bag... *
Uh, huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.
* never said good-Bye
* somethin' missin' in the neighborhood *
* of her cryin' eyes
* i stirred my coffee with the same spoon *
* knew her favorite tune
* gone shootin'
Ranger: there are over 200 active geysers
In yellowstone park.
Old faithful here is one of the largest.
During an eruption, the water can reach as high as 200 feet.
So?
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, the geyser
Shoots out over 12,000 gallons of water in a single eruption.
That's not that much, really.
Yeah, really. Let's get outta here.
If you'll just step over here,
The geyser is seconds away...
Oh, it's incredible.
Oh, oh, yeah.
That's amazing.
It's incredible.
That's amazing.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
can't wait forever.
Damn kids.
No respect.
Don't appreciate anything.
Oh, my god!
Wait! Stop!
Darn it.
Get me the police.
Uh, huh huh huh. Hm hm, heh heh.
This is the coolest thing i have ever seen.
Chief, we got 'em.
They're on a senior citizens tour bus
Going south on highway 89.
Ah...heh... yeah, that was great.
Yeah.
Uh...is this the right bus?
Um...heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hey, beavis, we're on a bus with chicks.
Hey, baby.
They're not on the bus.
These people know something.
I want full cavity searches... Everyone.
Go deep on 'em.
Agent hurly.
I tell you, bork,
These guys are smart, damn smart.
They're probably a hundred miles away by now.
Uh, huh huh... uh, huh huh huh.
Hey, butt-Head, this book kicks ass.
There's this talking snake, and a naked chick,
And then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.
Cool.
Uh...uh...
Ow!
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Check it out, butt-Head...
Porta-Potties.
Cool.
I gotta take a dump.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh...where's the toilet?
Forgive me, father. I've sinned.
I...I slept with a woman, and, uh...
Butt-Head: really? Uh, huh huh.
Was she naked?
Well, yes, father. Please forgive me.
Cool! Uh, huh huh.
Could you, like, see her boobs?
Uh, huh huh huh.
Uh, i'm sorry. How many hail marys?
1,000! Heh heh...
And i want you to hit yourself, right now! Heh.
Uh, now?
Yeah...do it!
ohh!
Yeah, yeah! Harder.
ow!
Do it again.
oww! Aah!
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Heh...hm hm.
Recording: welcome to the petrified forest,
The world's largest site of petrified wood.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
"Wood." Huh huh huh!
Recording: you may wonder, "how can wood get so hard?"
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Well, the wood became hard over 2 million years ago.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Wood. Uh, huh huh...
Hey, where'd those chicks go?
I think you scared them off.
This sucks. What are we doing here?
Uh...i don't know.
Uh, do you know where washington is?
Uh, yeah. About 2,000 miles that way.
Cool. Thanks.
Didn't see which way they went.
Didn't see their vehicle.
I don't suppose you tried to stop them.
The most dangerous guys in america? No, thank you.
I make $9.00 an hour.
National security is the responsibility of every american.
Bork...
Cavity search?
Deep and hard.
Agent hurly.
They're not gonna get away this time.
I want roadblocks every road out of here for 200 miles.
Um...this sucks. It's all hot and stuff.
This desert is stupid.
They need to put a drinking fountain out here.
Yeah, like, a 7-Eleven or something. Heh.
Somethin' wrong, officer?
Sir, we're looking for these two fugitives.
Well, i'll be danged.
That's them two kids that have been whackin' in my camper.
You saw these two?
I sure did. Boy, i never seen two kids
Do so much damned whackin'.
Blue denim, this is post 9.
I have positive i.D.
They're just like a couple of little old spider monkeys...
I'll have to ask you to step out of the vehicle.
Now, wait a minute. Me and the missis here
Are on our way to washington, d.C...
Now!
Now, wait right there.
You're dealing with a veteran of 2 foreign wars.
They're the ones been whackin'.
I find anything broken in there,
You and i are gonna tangle.
Masturbating in the man's camper.
We're dealing with two sick individuals.
I want that camper torn apart,
Full cavity searches all around.
Something tells me he could be involved.
What in the hell...
Now wait just a minute!
Chief, just came in.
2 days ago, express airways had a disturbance
By someone calling himself "cornholio."
Guess who matches the description?
Finally, a real break.
Get me that flash point of origin.
We're gonna kick some ass.
Uh, huh huh... heh.
Uh, huh huh huh. Nuhn.
Uh, huh huh...
Hm hm, heh.
Uh...
Uh, huh...hey! One of you bastards got a match?
Uh, yeah... My butt and your...
Uh...butt, huh huh huh.
Uh, huh huh huh huh huh. Uh, huh huh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh.
Uh, huh huh huh.
Hm hm, heh heh. Uh, huh huh huh.
And here's a song that might help you cope
With some of those feelings, ok?
It's called lesbian seagull.
* she flies so gracefully
* over rocks, trees, and sand... *
* soaring over cliffs
* and gently floating down to land *
* she proudly lifts her voice *
* to sound the mating call
* and soon her mate responds *
* by singing, "caw caw caw" *
* come with me, lesbian seagull *
* settle down and rest with me *
* fly high
* lesbian seagull...
Uh, that's him! He's their teacher!
Uh, huh, yeah.
Uh, what's going on here?
I'll ask the questions.
Are these your students?
I assume you're a government agent.
I would think you would know
There is something in this country called due process, ok?
That's the kind of talk i'd expect
From the guy who taught these two.
Take this scum away.
I believe i'm supposed to be read my miranda rights.
Now...Whaa!
I always knew they were no good.
Uh, i hate...
Shut up! You've been harboring two criminal masterminds.
Ohh, ohh...
Chief, you know that guy
Whose camper they were whackin' off in?
Bork, you are a federal agent.
You represent the united states government.
Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Oh. Uh...
You know that guy in whose camper they...
I...I mean that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?
That's better. Yes?
We've run a sample through the national criminal sperm bank
And come up with 2 possible genetic matches for a father.
Former motley crue roadies turned drifters.
You were a roadie for motley crue?
Yep.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh huh huh huh.
Aha...fire.
Uh, here's another true story.
About 15 years ago,
We stopped in this toilet,
Uh, called highland.
Really? That's where we're from.
Well, then you know what i'm talking about.
Anyway, here's the story.
I scored with these 2 chicks. True story.
Uh heh heh heh. Yeah, me, too.
You scored with 2 chicks?
Yeah. They were sluts.
Aah!
Shut up, dumb-Ass!
You didn't score.
I scored with both of them.
Uh, do you think these 2 sluts still live in highland?
That would be cool.
Hey, you want to see something really cool?
Uh huh huh huh.
Uh heh heh heh.
Beavis: fire!
Ahh...
Uh...
Hmm. Where'd those guys go?
Yeah.
Um...
Are we almost there yet?
Uh...
Probably like another 5 minutes or something.
The sun sucks.
Yeah.
Cut it out, butt-Hole!
Hey, butt-Head...
Isn't there supposed to be, like, water in cactuses?
Uh...
Hey, beavis...
Check it out.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh.
Well, no, i can't say that i've seen them, officer.
I sure hope it's safe to drive around here.
Don't worry, sir. Just stick to the main roads.
If they're around, they're probably hiding out in the desert.
Well, that's good to know, officer.
Yeah.
Ohh...
Hey, butt-Head,
Are we gonna die?
Uh...
Uh...probably.
Whoa!
I think my life is, like, flashing in front of my eyes.
Whoa...
My life was cool.
Oh, yeah...
Wait a minute...
Um, i think i'm seeing something, too.
It's, like, a really long time ago.
Uh heh heh heh.
Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be cool.
Hey, how's it going?
Aah!
Uh heh heh heh.
Yeah.
I scored.
Hey, butt-Head,
I'm starting to feel weird.
I think i'm freaking out.
Uh...ok.
Whoa, this is cool.
It's like...
It's like everything looks all weird, and, you know.
It's like there's all these weird shapes and...
And it's sort of like... It's like a music video.
What are you doing, butt-Head? Stop it!
You're freaking me out! Cut it out!
What's going on?
There's a problem here.
Ohh!
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Fire! Fire! Fire!
Oh, yes!
Aah! Unh!
Aah! I'm all wet!
Uh...
Oh, hey, cool.
Yeah. Water.
Oh, i'm gonna enjoy this.
Any last words before i kill you?
Uh...
I have a couple.
Butt cheeks.
Yeah, yeah!
And, um, and boobs.
I just wanna say that again.
Boobs.
I'm gonna blow you both to hell,
That's what i'm gonna do!
Cool. Whoa.
Hey, beavis, that's that dude
That's paying us to do his wife.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Um, can you just take us to washington?
We're gonna meet her there and, you know, um...
Heh heh. You know.
Washington?
That's where she's gonna meet up with you?
You know, i just might need you boys, after all.
All right. Get in the trunk.
Both of you. Now!
Butt-Head: boy, it sure is hard to score.
Beavis: yeah, really.
hey, hey, butt-Head, check it out...
A jack.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh.
* i met a magic man
* who had a daughter
* she learned her lessons well *
* but still i taught her... *
Butt-Head: jack.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh.
* as lambs to slaughter
* we shared forbidden fruit *
* and things i brought her *
* you may say i'm a miracle man *
hey, beavis, check it out.
I'm jacking off.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh.
Yeah.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh.
Uh...let's get out of here.
You go first, beavis.
Um, i don't know, butt-Head.
That road's, like, moving pretty fast and stuff.
Come on, beavis.
Just start running really fast
As soon as you hit the ground.
It'll work.
No way. You go.
Don't be a wuss, beavis.
Aah!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
That was cool.
Unh! Unh! Unh!
Unh!
Boy, what i wouldn't give for 5 minutes alone
With them 2 little bastards.
Aah!
Medic: i need a trauma box over here right now!
Well, bob, the news out here is not good.
Authorities are calling this the worst highway disaster
In the nation's history.
Behind me, over 400 vehicles lay wrecked or stuck.
Chief, look! No one knows what caused it,
But police have not ruled out...
Well, i'll be a blue-Nosed gopher.
Where did these guys come from?
The question is, where are they going?
In other news, g-Pac is set to begin at 2 p.M. Tomorrow
When representatives from around the world...
What the hell?
Bork! That bus we picked up,
Where was it heading?
Uh, d.C., Chief.
Jesus jumped-Up...
Bork, can you imagine what would happen
If they set that thing off in our nation's capitol?
Or even worse!
If they sold it to some damn foreigner at that conference?
Well, it's not going to happen!
Whoa!
This kicks ass.
Yeah.
Yoo-Hoo! Travis and bob head!
Hellooo!
Hey, butt-Head, it's that chick.
Uh, oh, yeah. Cool.
Maybe they can take us to washington,
And we can finally score.
Yeah.
Um, isn't seattle in washington?
Uh, yep. It sure is.
Cool.
'Cause i was thinking after we score,
Maybe we could go see hole.
Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh.
Butt-Head: hole.
Hmm.
Muddy: expecting somebody?
Well, well, look at this.
The love of my life.
Where have you been?
Honey, i was gonna split it with you after i sold it.
Right down the middle, i swear. I just...
Sure you were,
But now you don't have to go to all that bother, do you?
Come on, muddy, what do you say we just forget about it
And go get a room like old times?
I don't think so.
Where is it?
All senators are requested for a vote.
Can i help you?
Uh...
We're looking for washington?
Yeah, yeah.
We're gonna meet this chick with really big hooters.
Sirs, you are in washington.
Really?
Well, where is she?
Uh, could you, like, make an announcement
That we're ready to score?
No.
just a moment.
Hello? How may i help you?
Butt-Head: uh...attention.
Attention.
We're looking for the chick with big boobs.
Beavis: yeah! Yeah!
We are ready to do you now.
Both: uh huh huh huh.
Senators: uh huh huh huh.
I guess you forget who you're dealing with, honey.
You see, i got your mules right here in my trunk, and...
Hey!
Oh, damn! Damn!
I am gonna kill them!
No, honey...
We're gonna kill them.
Driver: next stop, white house.
Oh, man!
Hey, wait a minute! What's going on?
Why are we getting back on the bus?
It's time to go, son.
We can't leave!
We never met that chick!
Damn it! We were supposed to get some!
Settle down, beavis.
No! I won't settle down!
Not this time!
Damn it! This always happens!
I think i'm gonna score, and then i never score!
It's not fair!
We traveled, um, um, 100 miles
'Cause we thought we were gonna score!
But now it's not gonna happen! Damn it!
Hey, buddy, sit down!
Shut up, asswipe!
I'm sick and tired of this!
We're never gonna score!
It's just not gonna happen!
We're just gonna get old like these people!
But they've probably scored!
Hey, i'm warning you! Sit down!
It's, like, this chick's a slut!
And look at this guy! He's old!
But he's probably scored a million times!
Oh, yeah.
But not us! We're never gonna score!
All right, that's it, numb-Nuts!
Aah!
Once more and i'll...Unh!
Beavis: kick your ass!
Well, look what we have here.
You two make me sick.
Book 'em, bork.
You don't have anything on us, and you know it.
Oh, i don't, huh? How about lewd conduct?
Maybe indecent exposure.
Here's what's gonna happen.
One of you is going to make a deal and get me the unit.
The other can spend the next 60 years in jail.
Heh. That's where you're wrong, boy.
Me and my wife are back together, and you will never...
He stole the unit!
Said he put it in some kid's pants.
Why you damn little four-Legged...
Hey! Take it easy!
I'm gonna rip your...
Now, travis, it doesn't do a body good
To get all worked up.
Here, this should help you relax.
Does that say "xanax"?
Um, yeah.
Um, yeah, probably.
I don't know.
What else you got in there?
Gimme that thing!
Waah!
Ok, boys and girls, our suspects are on a tour bus
We believe to be heading for...
The white house?
Jumping jesus!
I want everyone there! Our people. Locals.
Orders are shoot to kill. Repeat, shoot to kill.
Ngaah!
Yeah, yeah, heh heh,
You know what's really cool?
Hey, butt-Head. Hey, butt-Head.
Shut up, beavis.
Yeah. Ooh.
Hey, butt-Head! Hey, butt-Head!
...and i'll be your tour guide.
In case you don't know,
You've come on a very special day.
Gathered at the white house today
For an historic global conference called,
"Give peace a chance" or "g-Pac,"
Are representatives from around the world.
Beavis: ngaaahh!
This is the east room.
Many of the portraits you see were saved
From the fire set by the british in 1814...
Fire! Fire!
What's your problem, beavis?
Weeahh!
The site for the white house
Was chosen by president washington and pierre I'enfant.
L'enfentata!
L'enfentata titicaca for my bunghole!
Sir? Bunghole!
Sir, are you ok?
Are you threatening me?
I am cornholio!
Ok...
Uh...sir,
Maybe you should wait out in the lobby?
Um, ok.
In this lobby,
Will there be t.P. For my bunghole?
Cornholio...Heh, heh. The room was originally designed...
Boy, where are you when we need you, ike?
I tell you what, honey,
Even with all we've been through,
It don't change a thing.
I've said it before, and i'll say it again.
This is the greatest country on earth, and i...
Say, that looks kind of like...
Naw, it couldn't be.
Beavis: bungholio!
Are you threatening me?
I am cornholio!
Uh, yes, the president does plan to speak today
At the g-Pac conference.
Mr. Secretary! Mr. Secretary!
What about the rumors that a biological weapon has been stolen
And smuggled out of the country during this conference?
Those rumors are entirely unfounded.
Those rumors are totally unfounded.
I am the great cornholio!
I am a gringo!
I have no bunghole.
Bungholio.
This is the state dining room,
Where the most powerful world leaders are entertained.
Hey!
Uh, where's the tv?
Uh, there are no tvs in the dining room.
This house sucks.
Guide: please follow me.
Evacuation?
It's probably just another bomb threat or something.
Ok.
Is this the lobby?
I am cornholio!
I need t.P. For my bunghole!
Yes, mr. President.
I am cornholio!
My bunghole, it goes, rattatataa...
Mr. President?
Mr. President, i can't make out what you're saying.
Bwah! Bwah! Bwah!
Ngaaah! Waaato!
Sir, the president sounds strange.
Something's going on. I don't think it's a drill.
Washington may be under attack.
Go to defcon 4.
Step on it! Step on it!
Move!
Uh huh huh huh...
Huh huh huh...
Move it along, folks. Move it along.
Whoa!
Hey, baby.
I noticed you have braces.
I have braces, too.
Whoa!
Unh!
Uh huh huh huh. That was cool.
whoa!
This is the coolest thing i have ever seen.
All right, where's the unit?
Uh...my unit?
In my pants.
Uh...uh...
Not on him, chief.
Agent hurly, i want you to give this scumbag a cavity search.
I'm talking roto-Rooter.
Don't stop till you reach the back of his teeth.
Yeah. Uh huh huh huh.
Sir, we're awaiting your final orders.
I order you to surrender your t.P.
Give me that!
Mr. President, in the name of all that's holy,
I must have those launch codes.
I am cornholio!
You will cooperate with my bunghole.
For there is but one bunghole.
The almighty bunghole.
He's clean, chief.
Uh...huh huh huh...
Did i just score?
The other guy must have it.
He's got to be in here somewhere.
"cornholio"?
bunghole!
"bunghole"?
Huh?
Fire. Bungholio.
Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry
For the inconvenience, gentlemen,
But we're going to have to wait outside for a moment.
Follow me, please?
Yeah.
"T.P. For my bunghole"?
Yeah! Yeah!
T.P. For my bunghole.
Yeah, yeah. Pretty good.
Representative: let these gentlemen through, please.
They're with the conference.
It's ok. He's with them.
You cannot run from your bunghole.
Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole.
Aha.
Uh heh heh heh. Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
* mucha muchacha
Ahh.
* mucha muchacha
Oh-Ho-Ho.
Boi-Yoi-Yoi-Yoi-Yoi-Ing!
* mucha muchacha
Boy, i tell you what, it really makes you proud.
I could stay in here all day.
Sir, i'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Now, wait just a minute.
Now!
Hey, now, that's enough.
I been planning this trip my whole life,
And...Hey! What do you think you're...
Something about a "corn hole".
We haven't even seen the lincoln room yet.
Damn it! Now, let go of me.
Uh, say, chief...
Isn't that the guy whose camper they were whackin'...
I mean, off in whose whackin' camper...
Not now, bork.
I tell you what, honey,
This country's going to hell in a handbasket.
I'm going to go over right now
And talk to my congressman about this.
Beavis: aah! Ooh. Mmm. Ah!
What the hell?
Wait here a minute.
Beavis: oh! No!
Ohh, no!
What in the hell is that damn noise?
I...Huh? Aah!
What?!
Beavis: hey. How's it going?
Pull your damn pants up, boy!
I don't want to see that!
Damn it, get out of here!
And if i ever catch you whackin' in here again,
I'm gonna hog-Tie you!
Aw, damn it!
Now i gotta straighten up in here.
We just cleared all 4 floors.
No sign of him.
Damn. Where the hell is he?
Say, chief, isn't that the camper...
Bork, not now.
Chief, look.
Well, i'll be a monkey's bare-Assed uncle.
Attention, all units. We've got him.
He's in front of a white camper on pennsylvania avenue.
I am cornholio!
I will lay waste to your bunghole!
Bungholio.
Holio...Bungholio.
Hit the deck! Get down!
Bunghole, bunghole, bunghole...
Ok, nobody shoot.
He could still have the unit on him.
Keep your distance.
We don't want to take a chance on hitting it.
Where are his pants?
Who knows?
Bunghole.
Uh heh heh. Bunghole? Bungholio.
This is agent flemming, atf.
We won't hurt you. We just want the unit.
Tell us where the unit is.
Do you have t.P.?
T.P. For my bunghole?
We'll get you whatever you want.
Get that other kid. We might need him.
Do you have any holio?
Uh, yeah, this is bork.
Listen, we need some t.P.
And some...
What did he say?
Whoa.
Uh huh huh huh.
This rules.
Can i have a gun, too?
You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!
Heh heh. That was cool.
Garga-Holio-Ala-Hole...
This is your last chance.
Give us the unit now.
Why does everybody want to see my schlong?
Uh, bunghole.
* mmm-Bungholio-O-O-O-O
Bungholio.
He's jerking us off.
I think we're gonna have to take him out.
Get ready to fire on my orders.
I am the one and only almighty one and only bungholio!
This is your last chance.
I'm gonna give you 3 seconds.
Beavis: i have no bungholio!
Ok, boys, get ready to fire on the count of 3.
1...
* would you like to see my bungho-O-O-O-Le? *
Huh. Cool.
* i will show you my bungho-O-O...Ole! *
Flemming: 2...
* i have no bungho-O-Le!
Uh huh huh huh.
What's going on?
What is this?
3!
Take your damn pants with you!
Hold your fire!
What in the hell?
The pants!
He's got the unit!
Drop the pants.
Now!
Now, wait a minute. I ain't...
The one...
Who...
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
uh huh. Uh huh huh.
Whoa. Oh.
Uh...
Here you go.
Uh huh huh huh.
Ow! Now...Now, wait just a minute, mister.
Sir, take a look at this.
How do you explain this?
What in the hell are you talking about?
So, using 2 innocent teenagers
As pawns in your sick game, huh?
Look, i already told you i don't know what in the hell this is about.
Take him away.
Hey! Get your damn hands off me!
Aah!
God damn it! Hey!
Aah!
Ow!
Damn it!
You don't know who you're dealing with here!
I'm a veteran of 2 foreign wars!
I ain't the one that...
I always thought there was something wrong with him.
Yeah. Uh huh huh huh.
He had a lot of problems.
Yeah, yeah.
And, um, he used to hit me, too.
Yeah. Uh heh heh.
Uh, hey...
Does anyone wanna see my unit?
Uh huh huh huh.
Uh heh heh heh.
I got to admit it.
I had you boys figured wrong.
I thought you were scum,
But you saved more lives today than you'll ever know.
You led us to one of the sickest criminals in our history.
This country owes you a debt.
Uh, does that mean we're gonna get,
Like, money and stuff?
And, um, and chicks.
We were supposed to score.
For security reasons,
Your actions will have to remain top secret.
But someone very special wants to give his thanks.
Beavis and butt-Head,
On behalf of your fellow americans,
I extend my deepest thanks.
You exemplify a fine new crop
Of young americans
Who will grow into the leaders
Of this great country.
Uh huh huh huh.
He said extend.
Oh, yeah.
In recognition for your great service,
I'm appointing you honorary agents
In the bureau of alcohol, tobacco & firearms.
Whoa!
Alcohol and tobacco?
Yeah.
And firearms!
Yeah.
Cool, huh?
Cigarettes and beer kick ass.
Yeah! Yeah!
We're in the bureau
Of beer and fire and cigarettes.
And maybe some chicks, too.
This is gonna be cool.
Uh huh huh huh.
Uh heh heh heh.
You know what sucks?
We never scored,
And we never got any money.
Yeah. Really.
Um...
And my butt's still sore,
And that chick with the braces...
Butt-Head. Butt-Head, look!
Yes!
Ohh.
Ohh, yes.
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, butt-Head...
Do you think we're ever gonna score?
Uh, i probably will.
But not you.
Uh huh huh huh.
You're too much of a butt-Monkey.
Shut up, dill-Hole. Uh heh heh heh.
Butt-Dumpling. Uh huh huh huh.
Turd burglar. Uh heh heh heh.
Uh, ass goblin. Uh huh huh huh.
Shut up, butt-Head.
Um, hey, doesn't tom anderson live on this street?
Uh, yeah.
'Cause, um...
I just need to stop by his toolshed for a couple minutes.
Uh heh heh heh.
You know what i'm saying?
Tool.
Uh huh huh huh.
Boi-Yoi-Yoi-Yoi-Yoi-Ing!
Captioning made possible by paramount pictures corporation
Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
Engelbert humperdinck: * come with me
Women: * come with me
* lesbian seagull
* seagull
* settle down and rest
* with me
* oh, fly
* fly
* with me
* lesbian seagull
* seagull
* to my little nest
* by the sea
* with me
* that's where you belong
* with me
* i know i can be strong *
* when you're...
* you're with me
* me
L.L. Cool j: * oh
* oh
* i got visions, baby
* all right
* no directions
* oh, my god
* you know
* s'all right
* i'm the best when it comes to making love all night *
* throw your butterscotch body beneath the red light *
* blaze it up, girl
* i'm gonna lace it real tight *
* go deep till the full moon turn to sunlight *
* till the darkness is gone, love remains strong *
* like the bond 'tween mother and child *
* you're so warm to the touch *
* passionate interludes and such *
* when you're gone, your body's what i yearn to clutch *
* just imagine ecstasy floating in a cloud *
* animal attraction burning through the crowd *
* heaven on earth, paradise for a price *
* it's cool, though
* i'll pay you for the rest of my life *
* ya know why?
Women: * ain't nobody
* come on
* does me better
* say what?
* makes me happy
* uh-Huh
* makes me feel just right *
* that's right
* ain't nobody
* uh-Huh
* does me better
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* exploring your body and your erogenous zones *
* like a black tiger caged up *
* till you come home
* lovely, you make a man swoon like a boy *
* the love is so soft it gets hard to enjoy *
* 'cause the mind flies and sometimes the sex lies *
* smooth little girls fall in love with rough guys *
* but you could chop a big heart down to pint size *
* i guess that's what it sounds like when the dove cries *
* the whole world is trapped up in a maze *
* but you saved this real good lovin' for rainy days *
* the lord works in mysterious ways *
* he must've put you on this earth for all men to praise *
* that's right
Women: * ain't nobody
Woman: * nobody
* does me better
* makes me happy
* uh-Huh, yeah
* makes me feel this way *
* say what? Say what?
* ain't nobody
* that's right
* does me better
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* as i travel through your body *
* our souls become one
* indivisible, oh, it's getting critical, son *
* i'm on the run from love, it chase me out the bed *
* get the point, fool?
* you hit it right on the head *
* its an endless adventure *
* 2 bodies collide
* king fulfilling dreams with a queen by his side *
* forever, forever in time we intertwine *
* destiny... We fall in love by design *
* what's yours is mine, and what's mine is yours *
* the road less traveled is ours to explore *
* i adore you
* heavenly angel shining light *
* hold my hand
* i'll be your guide through the night *
Women: * ain't nobody
* show 'em
* does me better
* say what? Say what?
* makes me happy
* that's right
* makes me feel this way *
* come on, uh-Huh
* ain't nobody
* yeah
* does me better
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* you can take it, girl
* stop running on
* come on now
* a man don't choose a woman, *
* a woman chooses a man
* give you half for a second *
* then i'll give you the full plunge *
* oh
* what you want? What you want? *
* iced champagne brings up the scenery *
* now me?
* just bananas
* i know
Women: * ain't nobody
Woman: * nobody
* does me better
* oh, yeah
* makes me happy
* that's right
* makes me feel this way *
* come and get it
* ain't nobody...